Mah life aSPLODE
Everything is caving in again. I am so lost. I can’t even shut up my inner editor so that I could write away my feelings into some constructive art form like a nice depressing poem. Nope- I got nothing.
All I do have is my life tumbling down and me tripping over myself. I have no idea what’s going on anymore.
I am unhappy all the time. I haven’t been to school all semester since the very first day of classes.
I hate myself. I despise going anywhere or doing anything. It’s impossible for me to fall asleep at night so I collapse from exhaustion during the day.
I don’t want to see my friends. I don’t really care about anyone right now. It takes too much energy to care about anyone. I don’t care about myself. Why should they care about me anyway?
Things aren’t lovely in relationship land either.
Everything is a mess.
I hate myself for how I am acting but I hate her for who she was. I can’t accept that people can change. I think that there is a permanent scar of who she used to be stamped deep into her soul and I just can’t believe that she can change. I’m never going to be happy living like this.
I want to go far away from here. I am disappearing inside myself lately, and it’s not a place I want to be. Sure the world is scary but inside myself it is even bleaker. I am paranoid all the time. I always think the worst of everyone I see. I see creatures in the shadows and I think everyone is out to get me and everyone is thinking horrible things about me. I can’t go out in public. I despise myself and I take up too much space. No one should have to deal with the sight of me. I don’t have the right to take away oxygen from others. I am a waste of space and internal organs.
When I do fall asleep usually through medicating myself or drinking a lot, I end up having these really frightening dreams where I become completely trapped inside myself and unable to wake up. I have to face the real Sophie Nicole and I don’t like what I find. My inner psychosis will be the end of me I’m sorry to say.
I used to just not give a shit- or rather I put on a really good front like I didn’t give a shit. But now I don’t even bother putting on a front. I am a cold hearted bitch to everyone and I push everyone away. It is the only way to keep people out, because I know if I let them in they would not like what they found. It is not worth letting people get close.
I want to confide in my parents and run home and have them promise me it will all be alright, but I’m too old to think they could actually fix me. I am broken.
I am lose inside myself and the pieces are scattered. The color and life has drained out of my secret meadow. The sky is no longer purple. Everything is gray.
I don’t find anything fun anymore. I am never happy for more than a few minutes. I can’t get over the past and my anxiety causes terrible panics. I feel like I can’t breathe and there are those wretched pains in my chest. I just want it to end.
I am too much of a pussy to end it so I torture myself and others by my mere existence.
My parents say I am wasting my potential. They seem to think I could be something and that I have some sort of talent. But that Sophie that had any talent is long gone. The Sophie that had potential died a long time ago. This one is much too deep inside her psychosis to do anything that requires any effort. I avoid effort like the plague. I really don’t see the point anymore. It’s just a big circle and it’s all one failure after another. It’s fucking pointless and pathetic. There is no rhyme or reason to life. There is no purpose in being here. If there were some sort of grand design then I would have to assume that the guy who wrote Disappearance of the Universe is correct and this really all is just a dream. A horrible nightmare that we need to wake up from. A dream where we are made to deal with our guilt and where the whole world really is set up against us just to remind us of our horrible initial guilt over some great big misunderstanding. And I swear if that’s all this life shit is about then I want a do-over. If this is just a dream I want to live in a different one. This dream sucks. I wish life really were a choose your own adventure book that you could just hit re-do on.
I miss myself. I think I used to be kind of awesome. I wonder where I went…
Anyways, that’s all the depressing nonsense I can manage for now. I am disgusted that I even put this down in words. I’m sorry to whoever has to read this crap. I know I have wasted your time.