Femslash Crisis: The 100


Warning: Spoilers for The 100, episode 3×07

As a researcher, my primary interest lies in digital communities, often those built around media properties such as video games or TV shows. My secondary interest is in the LGBT community. At the intersection of these two interests is the femslash1 community on Tumblr. This is what I consider my primary fieldsite.

Last night, that community was dealt a serious blow. Not only did the Bury Your Gays trope rear its ugly head, it was at a particularly devious time after what could be the most insidious use of queerbaiting in a generation.

When two fictional women enter into a well-written relationship, this corner of the internet practically explodes. Femslash fans tend to go from fandom to fandom, following those relationships, seeking validation and the experience of seeing people like them on the screen. Since there are so very few of…

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Awaken the Walking Dead

She felt so alone on the stairs

She felt so alone in the hall

She felt so alone on the grass

She felt so alone in her bed


She hid herself in the closet

She hid herself in the bathroom

She hid herself in the park

She hid herself in her mind


She stared into the sun

She stared into the abyss

She stared into the stereo

She stared into her soul


She lost herself in a book

She lost herself in a song

She lost herself in a memory

She lost herself in her fears


She despised effort

She despised strangers

She despised morning

She despised herself


She slept on the couch

She slept on the floor

She slept on the bed

She slept in her head


She cried to herself

She shied from her friends

She lied to herself

She shied from her life


She wants to succumb

She wants to submit

She wants to transform

She wills to awaken

Whatever happened to good old fashioned apathy?

Mah life aSPLODE

Everything is caving in again. I am so lost. I can’t even shut up my inner editor so that I could write away my feelings into some constructive art form like a nice depressing poem. Nope- I got nothing.

All I do have is my life tumbling down and me tripping over myself. I have no idea what’s going on anymore.

I am unhappy all the time. I haven’t been to school all semester since the very first day of classes.

I hate myself. I despise going anywhere or doing anything. It’s impossible for me to fall asleep at night so I collapse from exhaustion during the day.

I don’t want to see my friends. I don’t really care about anyone right now. It takes too much energy to care about anyone. I don’t care about myself. Why should they care about me anyway?

Things aren’t lovely in relationship land either.

Everything is a mess.

I hate myself for how I am acting but I hate her for who she was. I can’t accept that people can change. I think that there is a permanent scar of who she used to be stamped deep into her soul and I just can’t believe that she can change. I’m never going to be happy living like this.

I want to go far away from here. I am disappearing inside myself lately, and it’s not a place I want to be. Sure the world is scary but inside myself it is even bleaker. I am paranoid all the time. I always think the worst of everyone I see. I see creatures in the shadows and I think everyone is out to get me and everyone is thinking horrible things about me. I can’t go out in public. I despise myself and I take up too much space. No one should have to deal with the sight of me. I don’t have the right to take away oxygen from others. I am a waste of space and internal organs.

When I do fall asleep usually through medicating myself or drinking a lot, I end up having these really frightening dreams where I become completely trapped inside myself and unable to wake up. I have to face the real Sophie Nicole and I don’t like what I find. My inner psychosis will be the end of me I’m sorry to say.

I used to just not give a shit- or rather I put on a really good front like I didn’t give a shit. But now I don’t even bother putting on a front. I am a cold hearted bitch to everyone and I push everyone away. It is the only way to keep people out, because I know if I let them in they would not like what they found. It is not worth letting people get close.

I want to confide in my parents and run home and have them promise me it will all be alright, but I’m too old to think they could actually fix me. I am broken.

I am lose inside myself and the pieces are scattered. The color and life has drained out of my secret meadow. The sky is no longer purple. Everything is gray.

I don’t find anything fun anymore. I am never happy for more than a few minutes. I can’t get over the past and my anxiety causes terrible panics. I feel like I can’t breathe and there are those wretched pains in my chest. I just want it to end.

I am too much of a pussy to end it so I torture myself and others by my mere existence.

My parents say I am wasting my potential. They seem to think I could be something and that I have some sort of talent. But that Sophie that had any talent is long gone. The Sophie that had potential died a long time ago. This one is much too deep inside her psychosis to do anything that requires any effort. I avoid effort like the plague. I really don’t see the point anymore. It’s just a big circle and it’s all one failure after another. It’s fucking pointless and pathetic. There is no rhyme or reason to life. There is no purpose in being here. If there were some sort of grand design then I would have to assume that the guy who wrote Disappearance of the Universe is correct and this really all is just a dream. A horrible nightmare that we need to wake up from. A dream where we are made to deal with our guilt and where the whole world really is set up against us just to remind us of our horrible initial guilt over some great big misunderstanding. And I swear if that’s all this life shit is about then I want a do-over. If this is just a dream I want to live in a different one. This dream sucks. I wish life really were a choose your own adventure book that you could just hit re-do on.

I miss myself. I think I used to be kind of awesome. I wonder where I went…

Anyways, that’s all the depressing nonsense I can manage for now. I am disgusted that I even put this down in words. I’m sorry to whoever has to read this crap. I know I have wasted your time.

Signing out,

Sophie Nicole

In the beginning, an excerpt from my upcoming novel

Once upon a time in a far away magical land called Delaware (YES that IS actually a legit state) there lived an 18-year-old girl (that would be me) and her beautiful college girlfriend (that would be Rini whose now watching me write this as we speak and mocking me because I won’t let her see what I’m writing).rini and i in love Anyway, there we were smack dab in Northern Delaware (Well sort of. She lives on the edge of lower slower but we’ll pretend she doesn’t); there we were, happy, unsuspecting of what was to come. Then something universally known to teenagers called SENIOR WEEK shook our world and redefined the phrase, “fuck my life,” forever.

But before we get into all that mayhem, let me rewind. Everything has a precursor and I must say that there may never have been a senior week or rather that it would not have been the same had there not first been a summer college experience to rival all others. It occurred at the University of Delaware (Yes Delaware has a University you dimwits, please read a map sometime) and it was in the summer just before my senior year of high school. I was a skittish 17 year old who thought she had it all figured out. I was going to pursue theater and become a famous playwright. My mother of course was displeased. She wanted me to study something with a more practical application and a higher success rate. I compromised by promising to study technical theater. What she didn’t really realize was that this was not a hardship for me. Theater lighting fascinated me in much the same way cinematography fascinated me at 15. Summer college provided the perfect opportunity to test the waters of the theatrical world.

My memory is shoddy but I know enough about my past to know I do not believe in coincidences and intend on tracing everything that transpired from my happy go lucky days at age 15 to my anxiety driven days as a vagabond. In much the way Nabokov’s Lolita would be severely lacking a plot had he not first introduced Lo’s precursor, Humbert Humbert’s first love Anabelle, my story could not have led me to this desolate Starbucks in the middle of Bumblefuck, DE in a rainstorm with my girlfriend in late June had it not been for a chance encounter in 2006 with a girl who is for me as close to Dante’s Beatrice as anyone I may ever meet (Pardon me for going all intellectual on you right off the bat, but my private school education forbids me from assuming that the general public does not know as much about the literary world as I do; if you can’t keep up try Google).

Leave us alone- The Essentials of Essence [A Social Equation]

To be is to be perceived.
To be perceived is to be open to judgment.
To be open to judgment is to be paranoid.
To be paranoid is to be afraid of that which is different.
To be afraid of that which is different is to be close-minded.
To be close-minded is to allow fear to be hatred.
To be filled with hatred is to be open to violence.
To be open to violence is to make others paranoid
To make others paranoid is to spark more fear.
To spark more fear is to spark more violence.
To be is to be perceived.
To be perceived is to not be allowed to “be”.
We are our essence.
We are that which we believe ourselves to be.
No one can alter our essence.
Purpose is for the individual.
Purpose is not for society to dictate.
The body is a sepulcher.
The body shelters our essence on this plane of existence.
Our essence is that which has no gender, no appearance-
Our essence is pure soul, our “aboutness” in its truest form.
That which we say is true becomes Truth to the one who uttered the statement.
That which we perceive becomes Truth.
Those who accept society’s definition of truth as Truth are sheep.
Those who are sheep do not truly see.
Those who do not see, perceive.
Those who perceive become afraid of that which is different.
The cycle is vicious.
It’s systematic and inescapable.
Essence is all that matters in the end.
In the end we are all essence.
Essence is all that remains.
Our essence returns in many forms to new planes of existence
Always returning to its other half
Its soul-mate.
The gender of the body does not matter,
Essence knows no gender
Essence knows only to seek completion.
Essence is to be.
To be is to be perceived.
Until those who perceive begin to see
Until we can be without the need for others interaction
Until we can all be open to stop the ignorance
To stop the fall
To stop the sickness that has grasped the world
The essence will be hindered by society
Its intentions will be misunderstood
Our purposes will go undiscovered.
Those who are blind should not judge.
Those who are blind cannot perceive on a level past the physical
Essence is beyond the physical.
Love through essence is beyond comprehension to those who are blind.
They can only perceive what is tangible.
Essence is not tangible.
Sometimes essence counters society in its search for completion.
Those who are afraid of those who break the norm seek out those people
And destroy them.
But everyone is just a soul
A soul within a body
The body is meaningless and will grow old and wilt away
The soul is shapeless, genderless; the soul knows no differentiations.
The soul wants only to be whole.
To be oneself is to find ones own meaning.
To truly live according to one’s innerly created doctrines.
To live by allowing their essence to be free.
To live without a blindfold.
To welcome to the world and all its inhabitants
Even when they counter the norm.
In an ideal world there would be peace
In an ideal world people would see that we are all of the same original essence
That we all have a purpose here
That we are all just trying to find our other half
That we are all just trying to find and achieve the hidden meanings behind our lives
In an ideal world others wouldn’t cut down people for being different
They would see that everyone is a necessity to compose the world.
They would see that there are multiple versions to Truth.
The world is sick.
The apathy of the people intensifies the fall.
No one sees it because they are blind.
They do not stop it because they cannot stop that which they cannot perceive.
The world must open her eyes.
The world must accept the essentials of essence.
We must do what it takes to stop the fall.
We must cure the world of the sickness.
Only then will we truly be.
To be is to be perceived-
To be is to find the other half of your essence-
And to be allowed by society- No.
To fight for the rights assigned by essence.
To never give in.
To stand side by side, hand in hand and face the darkness.
We are all lost in the night.
We are all wrong and we are all searching.
To be is to be in love.
To be in love is to be free.
For even though people can be physically harmed
When essence has been made whole it cannot be touched
It is an indestructible force of fate.
And we are not afraid.
And we ARE different.
But we see the plague of the world
And we see the depths of the darkness
But hand in hand we plunge forward
To seek out those who are not blind
To seek out others who want to end the fall.
We will save this place from internal collapse.
We will save this place from itself.
Leave us alone.
We cannot hear you.
You cannot harm us.
You can never affect us.
Shoot me
Yell at me
Lie to me
Kill my lover
But you will never separate us or stop us
Our souls are tied forever
No matter what plane we are on
We will always find each other
Whether the sheep like it or not
We have each other
To have each other is to be in love
To be in love is to “be”-
Leave us alone.

The end of nothing

There is apathy in the world today.
The nothingness fills everyone to the brim with emptiness
Laziness and Depression latch on for the ride
And tie down the nothingness deep inside
The apathy allows the nothing to stay-
A sickness has taken the world.
The only way to stop the fall
Is to allow it all to collapse,
And then pave the way
For the world to be rebuilt.
As long as the nothing fuels the children
As long as the apathy remains intact
As long as nothing is done to squelch the emptiness
As long as no action is taken to guide the children-
The sickness will have hold of the world.
They fear that which is different
They fear that which is unknown
They fear themselves for being different
They fear themselves for not knowing-
The human race has become a blinded society
Trapped in its endless routines and conventions,
There is only one way to stop the fall.
If everyone were to end the nothing
If everyone were to care
If everyone were to accept their differences
If everyone were to greet each other in love instead of hatred
If everyone did their part
The nothing would recede-
Color would swirl from the darkness
The lost children would find their way-
And then they could travel the roads we paved
And rebuild what we destroyed.
The answer lies in the coming generations
To stop the fall we started.
Before we can end the nothingness,
Society must accept its wrongdoings.
The world must recognize that it is plagued
The world must ask for freedom from the sickness.
Then and only then will peace replace fear and love replace ignorance
Then and only then will the sickness die
Then and only then can we save the world from the nothing.

this was posted a long time ago but i refound it and thought it was decent enough to revive

Swirling Darkness:

Rivers ebb on

Into the ever endless night

Do you really know

How much you torture me?

Do you really see

How much you mean to me?

The darkness flows on

Through that sea of denial

I hide.

Wash my face of the shame

You have brought to my name

I need to be set free

Won’t you save me?

Rivers move slower

Time passes quicker

Days turn to weeks

As I hide from your gaze

I’m falling

Will you catch me?

Trapped in this psychiatric maze

Shall I ever break free?

Decided to run

To tell you all of this

Can you hear me?

The months we don’t have to spend

Will very soon come to an end

And shortly I will run out of hours

To walk with you through that field of blackening flowers

I offer my hand.

Will you take it?

To walk with me down the road of screaming desires

You stop

The river bends around your feet.

You turn and it’s me you greet.

Soft embrace comes without saying

That long awaited safety meets

My arms weary from their praying

Swirling darkness

Follows through

The river bends around you

The darkness ebbs and sways

But you stay with me here for days

To walk that blackening path

The darkness fades

With you by my side in this endless maze